he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
