remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
