I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?