Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
