I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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