Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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