every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
