Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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