my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We left an ass print on the piano.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
