saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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