My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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