One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
