I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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