Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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