i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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