How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
