I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
