3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
