I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
