Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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