If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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