I bet he comes in French.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
