I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
