my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
