I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
