like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
