remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
