Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
