So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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