Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
