I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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