I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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