Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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