i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
