Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
