Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
