In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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