I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
