I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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