I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Randomize
