His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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