She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
