he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
