Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
