my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
