I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
