My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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