Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
