My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
