the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
