You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
is wine microwaveable?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
