Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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