I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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