I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
