How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
