What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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