I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
